READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED

If you don't really know me, or don't really want to get to know me I'd stop reading this at this point. There's your warning you're about to find out a lot more then one would normally want to know. Some parts are graphic…




Ok as most know for the last 6 months I've been sick. I've been in and out of doctor offices, test have been run, I've been stuck more than a pin cushion. At first I had Diverticulitis and Diverticulotus, which means my diverticuli got infected. I at the age of 23 had my first colonoscopy and it didn't turn out healthy. I have been miserable, there are days I was in so much pain I didn't want to get out of bed, and truth be told, there were days I didn't want to go on. I was in a horrible dark place. I am glad to say I'm pretty much out of it. I say pretty much cause there is still some stuff eating at me but I'm not in half the pain I was in, and I feel like I at least have a plan now. At the end of all my dr appointments it has been declared that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. At first I thought this was a scape goat prognosis but after reading more I can understand that it may be what I have.
At any rate back to this bad place... Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I would like to call it Irate Bowel Syndrome!
On http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001292/ it says that symptoms:
Abdominal pain, fullness, gas, and bloating that have been present for at least 6 months are the main symptoms of IBS. The pain and other symptoms will often:
•Occur after meals
•Come and go
•Be reduced or go away after a bowel movement
People with IBS may switch between constipation and diarrhea, or mostly have one or the other.
•People with diarrhea will have frequent, loose, watery stools. They will often have an urgent need to have a bowel movement, which is difficult to control.
•Those with constipation will have difficulty passing stool, as well as less frequent bowel movements. They will often need to strain and will feel cramping with a bowel movement. Often, they do not eliminate any stool, or only a small amount.

So here's the deal, I am constantly thinking about my poop. Did I poop today? When was the last time I pooped? What was it like? What did I eat? If I eat that how will that feel? I wonder if benifiber would taste good in this? Did I take my beneifber today? Was my stomach this hard yesterday? OMG my intestine hurts! Where is the closest bathroom? Do you think people notice how long I've been in the bathroom? This is what is constantly going through my head. Bowel, and stool have become my most used words.
I've always been really self conscience about bathroom habits, kind of embarrassed about them, and overall not willing to talk about them. I will talk about my poop to almost anyone now. When my mom asks how I'm feeling I use phrases like "I had acute pain in my lower left quadrant", or " my paint today is at a 8.7"” this morning my stool was loose”
Let me walk you through my day today, I woke up this morning to get ready for work and the first thing I thought of was that I was really full, and there was a strong pain in my right side... After brushing my teeth and thinking I realized I hadn't pooped yesterday, even though I had had my benefiber, I didn't even poop Saturday! did I poop Friday? hmm... this is concerning considering how much pain I am feeling in my right side. I decide I can try to go a little bit, because my stomach is really starting to churn...mean while I'm still trying to jump in the shower and get ready for my day.
I feel pretty good, I'm on time for work, my hair doesn't look the best but you know it'll do for the day! I get a biscuit, a diet coke and I'm off to work! I'm feeling pretty good at this point, my stomach may grumble every now and again, I drank a bunch of water today feeling like i hadn't drank for days, (benifiber will do that I hear) and by 10 o clock I'm off to my first bathroom trip. I can't rush these things, I play a round of freecell on my phone, yes, I admited it, I'm not just going to sit there thinking about how much my colon hurts, I'm going to beat a little free cell! When I'm done in there I always wonder and worry about if my co workers time how long I'm in there.... I'm not rushing it, it hurts enough the way it is but if I can go, I'm going to go... I ate a delicious lunch of Soup and a sandwich, and by 1:30 I'm back in the bathroom, again I'm not going to the bathroom in large amounts mind you, just a little relief at a time... by 3:30 again my stomach is churning I better try again see what's going on. By this point, I realize I've gone quite a few times today, good thing I'm so productive when I'm at my desk or I'm sure at some point my boss would have to get mad at me for the time I spend in the bathroom. Like I said earlier I warned you if you don't want to really get to know me quit reading, my 3:30 bowel movement was less then comforting, in fact it hurt, keeping in mind I've gone to the bathroom at least 4 times at this point it gets old.
My pain while up and moving were quite minimal today, it's the emotional that really gets to me. Irritable bowel can flare up with stress, so explain to me how you're not to stress when you are constantly having to go to the bathroom and think about all this.
4:50 today my stomach churned so hard I thought I was going to be sick at my desk! 5 finally came and I knew I better hit the bathroom before I try to drive home, again feeling like I'm going to throw up all over I made my way in there, and ended having NO PROBLEM going to the bathroom, it was gross. How is it that just 8 hours before that I couldn't produce anything and now I can barely make it stop?! Yuck!

It's at this point where I always wonder and begin to be concerned and sad. I'm so self conscious of even coming out of the stall, how is someone going to love me when I have more communication with my bowel habits then I do with humans. I can see it now (it's actually the lack of seeing it that makes me so sad) "hunny, are you ready to go?" and I reply in a panic, "No, I gotta go to the bathroom gain" or in the car "Babe you've got to stop at the next town I don't feel good". I don't like being around me when I always don't feel good how can I expect someone else to. I can't stand the person I've become, When someone asks hey hows it going? aren't you suppose to be able to say "good" and mean it? I feel like all I'm waiting for is my next trip to the bathroom. The random pains in my bowels, makes my days long. If I’m this unhappy with myself , how can I ask someone to be happy with me?

My diet has done a complete 180, I used to eat all the time, Most of the time now I'm so nauseous I don't even want to eat. I don't eat much pizza cause it upsets my stomach, and I really can't eat fast food cause anything that high in fat, is not good going through the system. I used to do nothing but drink Diet Coke, I now CRAVE Water, Yes, I still love my Diet Coke don't get me wrong!
While I know this improved diet will help the condition, it still is a process.

And I am thankful for god providing me with a lot of relief of the pain. I also have an AMAZING set of parents who took me to every Dr. Appointments, and a Mom who asks every day how it's feeling. A friend who always listens to my pains, and never acts tired of it. A boyfriend who when I tell him I don't feel good, he says he wishes I did, and that he's praying for me, and has yet to make me feel self conscience about my bathroom habits. Because of God and these people I am able to come out of this dark place to remember what life is all about, to remind me that life is good!
So while I understand I'm incredibly blessed, I guess I just wanted to state that I am still dealing, and trying to figure out this new part of my life. Some days are better then others, but having to deal with all this on top of work and school, and life... well somedays it just seems like too much, somedays I just want to cry, curl up in a ball and cry. I know I can't, I have too much to do, and too many people relying on me. but this is where I'm at now... This is me.