READERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED

If you don't really know me, or don't really want to get to know me I'd stop reading this at this point. There's your warning you're about to find out a lot more then one would normally want to know. Some parts are graphic…




Ok as most know for the last 6 months I've been sick. I've been in and out of doctor offices, test have been run, I've been stuck more than a pin cushion. At first I had Diverticulitis and Diverticulotus, which means my diverticuli got infected. I at the age of 23 had my first colonoscopy and it didn't turn out healthy. I have been miserable, there are days I was in so much pain I didn't want to get out of bed, and truth be told, there were days I didn't want to go on. I was in a horrible dark place. I am glad to say I'm pretty much out of it. I say pretty much cause there is still some stuff eating at me but I'm not in half the pain I was in, and I feel like I at least have a plan now. At the end of all my dr appointments it has been declared that I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. At first I thought this was a scape goat prognosis but after reading more I can understand that it may be what I have.
At any rate back to this bad place... Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I would like to call it Irate Bowel Syndrome!
On http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001292/ it says that symptoms:
Abdominal pain, fullness, gas, and bloating that have been present for at least 6 months are the main symptoms of IBS. The pain and other symptoms will often:
•Occur after meals
•Come and go
•Be reduced or go away after a bowel movement
People with IBS may switch between constipation and diarrhea, or mostly have one or the other.
•People with diarrhea will have frequent, loose, watery stools. They will often have an urgent need to have a bowel movement, which is difficult to control.
•Those with constipation will have difficulty passing stool, as well as less frequent bowel movements. They will often need to strain and will feel cramping with a bowel movement. Often, they do not eliminate any stool, or only a small amount.

So here's the deal, I am constantly thinking about my poop. Did I poop today? When was the last time I pooped? What was it like? What did I eat? If I eat that how will that feel? I wonder if benifiber would taste good in this? Did I take my beneifber today? Was my stomach this hard yesterday? OMG my intestine hurts! Where is the closest bathroom? Do you think people notice how long I've been in the bathroom? This is what is constantly going through my head. Bowel, and stool have become my most used words.
I've always been really self conscience about bathroom habits, kind of embarrassed about them, and overall not willing to talk about them. I will talk about my poop to almost anyone now. When my mom asks how I'm feeling I use phrases like "I had acute pain in my lower left quadrant", or " my paint today is at a 8.7"” this morning my stool was loose”
Let me walk you through my day today, I woke up this morning to get ready for work and the first thing I thought of was that I was really full, and there was a strong pain in my right side... After brushing my teeth and thinking I realized I hadn't pooped yesterday, even though I had had my benefiber, I didn't even poop Saturday! did I poop Friday? hmm... this is concerning considering how much pain I am feeling in my right side. I decide I can try to go a little bit, because my stomach is really starting to churn...mean while I'm still trying to jump in the shower and get ready for my day.
I feel pretty good, I'm on time for work, my hair doesn't look the best but you know it'll do for the day! I get a biscuit, a diet coke and I'm off to work! I'm feeling pretty good at this point, my stomach may grumble every now and again, I drank a bunch of water today feeling like i hadn't drank for days, (benifiber will do that I hear) and by 10 o clock I'm off to my first bathroom trip. I can't rush these things, I play a round of freecell on my phone, yes, I admited it, I'm not just going to sit there thinking about how much my colon hurts, I'm going to beat a little free cell! When I'm done in there I always wonder and worry about if my co workers time how long I'm in there.... I'm not rushing it, it hurts enough the way it is but if I can go, I'm going to go... I ate a delicious lunch of Soup and a sandwich, and by 1:30 I'm back in the bathroom, again I'm not going to the bathroom in large amounts mind you, just a little relief at a time... by 3:30 again my stomach is churning I better try again see what's going on. By this point, I realize I've gone quite a few times today, good thing I'm so productive when I'm at my desk or I'm sure at some point my boss would have to get mad at me for the time I spend in the bathroom. Like I said earlier I warned you if you don't want to really get to know me quit reading, my 3:30 bowel movement was less then comforting, in fact it hurt, keeping in mind I've gone to the bathroom at least 4 times at this point it gets old.
My pain while up and moving were quite minimal today, it's the emotional that really gets to me. Irritable bowel can flare up with stress, so explain to me how you're not to stress when you are constantly having to go to the bathroom and think about all this.
4:50 today my stomach churned so hard I thought I was going to be sick at my desk! 5 finally came and I knew I better hit the bathroom before I try to drive home, again feeling like I'm going to throw up all over I made my way in there, and ended having NO PROBLEM going to the bathroom, it was gross. How is it that just 8 hours before that I couldn't produce anything and now I can barely make it stop?! Yuck!

It's at this point where I always wonder and begin to be concerned and sad. I'm so self conscious of even coming out of the stall, how is someone going to love me when I have more communication with my bowel habits then I do with humans. I can see it now (it's actually the lack of seeing it that makes me so sad) "hunny, are you ready to go?" and I reply in a panic, "No, I gotta go to the bathroom gain" or in the car "Babe you've got to stop at the next town I don't feel good". I don't like being around me when I always don't feel good how can I expect someone else to. I can't stand the person I've become, When someone asks hey hows it going? aren't you suppose to be able to say "good" and mean it? I feel like all I'm waiting for is my next trip to the bathroom. The random pains in my bowels, makes my days long. If I’m this unhappy with myself , how can I ask someone to be happy with me?

My diet has done a complete 180, I used to eat all the time, Most of the time now I'm so nauseous I don't even want to eat. I don't eat much pizza cause it upsets my stomach, and I really can't eat fast food cause anything that high in fat, is not good going through the system. I used to do nothing but drink Diet Coke, I now CRAVE Water, Yes, I still love my Diet Coke don't get me wrong!
While I know this improved diet will help the condition, it still is a process.

And I am thankful for god providing me with a lot of relief of the pain. I also have an AMAZING set of parents who took me to every Dr. Appointments, and a Mom who asks every day how it's feeling. A friend who always listens to my pains, and never acts tired of it. A boyfriend who when I tell him I don't feel good, he says he wishes I did, and that he's praying for me, and has yet to make me feel self conscience about my bathroom habits. Because of God and these people I am able to come out of this dark place to remember what life is all about, to remind me that life is good!
So while I understand I'm incredibly blessed, I guess I just wanted to state that I am still dealing, and trying to figure out this new part of my life. Some days are better then others, but having to deal with all this on top of work and school, and life... well somedays it just seems like too much, somedays I just want to cry, curl up in a ball and cry. I know I can't, I have too much to do, and too many people relying on me. but this is where I'm at now... This is me.

Matthew 6:24-34

On a semi whim last weekend I decided to go to church with my dad on Sunday (Reminder I had worked all day the day before and then had to get up early to get to church on time in Topeka!) Most know that I don't even do that on a weekend when I'm home. I have nothing against church, I just like sleep! There really is nothing more to it. God knew what I needed, not I, and the church service was the best thing that has happened to me in a while! I've waited a week to blog about it, out of pure amazement of how much it meant to me.  The holy gospel of the day was :

 ²⁴ “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.
    ²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[a]?
   ²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.    - Mathew 6:24-34

Never has a passage spoke to me so much, the whole service brought me to tears. Where has my faith gone? Why do I worry about such earthly things when God provides me so much?
"Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" No, I can't, So why do i let all this anxiety get to me?  I know this seems like one of those back from church camp kind of posts... but i needed one of those more than anything!

Lazy Susan

I hate lazy susans!!!  I think they are a waste of space and they annoy me!!!!  When I moved into my apt and saw there was a lazy susan I thought "ok maybe I should give her a shot, try to appreciate it." No,  im done with it!!!  I hate it!!!  Since I have moved in I have discovered a. That it can only spin in one direction which is just dumb cause then I have to spin the whole way around when I could have just peeked open the cabinet and b. I was right to hate them all along!! 
Today I put away a skillet on the lazy susan and it fell, so I had to get on my hands and knees to grab it only to knock off another pan which I couldn't reach so I went to spin it to push it towards me ... ok well some how something got stuck and now I can't move my lazy susan!  I don't feel like dealing with it right now..  I just wanted to complain.

Stella

Today I was home sick, AGAIN! so needless to say I slept in, well until Stella decided she wanted to get up, she lets me know by politely nudging my bed. A 95lb dog can move a bed that's on rollers let me tell you that!

So while I don't feel good and may not have the most energy in the world she still needed some outside time. If you've ever heard me talk about my dogs bathroom habits you'd know that she likes a little privacy, and she tends to go along the same path, every time. Well today we were outside, I was trying to pretend to mind my own business while she was finding the "perfect" spot, and I began to commentate her or what I would assume is her thought process. Well I found myself pretty funny, I couldn't stop giggling which only distracted her which would start her process all over again!

It wasn't until I turned around to head back in that I realized the people in the apartment behind mine had been watching the whole thing. So I ask myself, Do people think I'm crazy? Should I only talk to my dog when we are in the comforts of our own home? Should I be talking to a dog?

I don't know the answer to these questions but I think I'll keep up my end of the dialog, and only become worried if I think Stella is talking back!

On another note, if you'll see in the picture next to her is her new favorite toy!!! It's also my new favorite toy!!! It's a Kong, well it's the Extreme Kong (she's kinda rough with her chew toys!!) I can insert a dog bisquit in it and stella has to work to get it out of it! When she first got it I was concerned that she wouldn't be able to get the whole treat out, and she wasn't that interested. I was upset by this cause it's not the cheapest toy in the world. At first once she had given up on gettng the treat the rest of the way out, I would go and step on the toy to crush the rest of the bisquit so she could get it out, this afternoon I went to crush it, Stella had already beaten me to it! She has figure it out!! Not only has she figured this out she loves pushing it around the house and chewing on it. The Kong still looks like it was just pulled out of its package, no teeth marks!!!! I'm sooo pleased with the money I spent on it!!  Ok enough product placement! 

Internet: My drug of choice!

Oh the Internet! According to Wikapedia (my valid resource)
"The Internet is a global system of interconnected computer networks that use the standard Internet Protocol Suite (TCP/IP) to serve billions of users worldwide. It is a network of networks that consists of millions of private, public, academic, business, and government networks, of local to global scope, that are linked by a broad array of electronic, wireless and optical networking technologies. The Internet carries a vast range of information resources and services, such as the inter-linked hypertext documents of the World Wide Web (WWW) and the infrastructure to support electronic mail." - accessed 2/23/11


To me... it's my scape goat! I spend probably 3/4 of my day on the Internet, either on my phone or on a computer. I always have my e-mail up, I can access my facebook with the swift tap of a finger.
I have a list of about 10 websites that I check daily to catch up on the news/ entertainment. I even use the Internet as my sounding board, with this blog, and my facebook status.  Needless to say, when it comes time to do my homework or to focus on tasks at hand... the Internet is always there to distract me!
So here is my thoughts... I know self control should be able to stop my Internet use... but it doesn't...
So here is my promise to myself. I'm done with the Internet, (that's a lie!) I am only going to check my e-mail once in the morning, once at noon, and once after 5. (That's still 3 times a day, I live a sad life!) I am thinking about deactivating my facebook as well. i just don't know, it is my form of communication with my boyfriend, so that seems to be a dumb thing to do, but we could use skype. If I can't get my addiction under control in the next 2 days, I'm going to turn myself in for hardcore therapy and cutting the ties. It's a warning to myself, hopefully I can follow through with this.

29 years...

29 years ago today my parents got married,

 29 years ago my parents made a promise to stay together for better or for worse,

29 years ago my mom and dad got married.

I think we all know I'm a pretty big fan of my parents. A huge reason I adore my parents is cause for 29 years, I've never seen my parents fight, sure they may have a few tiffs, some sarcastic remarks towards each other, but it's always followed with a smile! My parents taught me how to love, the importance of family, and the value of hard work. They have taught me everything I know. (ok sure I've learned a few things on my own too, but I couldn't have done it without the support of them!) Its days like today that remind me that I'm lucky to be around home still, I got to spend my parents 29th wedding anniversary with them! We had a great lunch, where it still makes my heart swell how they are just one amazing unit. I had an amazing afternoon with my parents, just getting to hang out with them.

I find it funny and amazing to watch my parents. My dad is patient, kind, funny, hard working. My dad seems to always have a calm face on, which may be needed when you have a high strung daughter like myself!  It may surprise some of you but I am a lot like my mother. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, my mother is successful, strong, funny, caring and still gorgeous at the age of ___ well that's nobody business but hers! ;) But my parents share this amazing love, and I guess in some ways its just kind of nice to see the future. If the best of their qualities rubbed off on me then I can hope that I end up being half the women my mom is, and that when I get married that I'll be half as happy as they are. 

Stella, may have tried to jump into the picture, can you blame her though?

After 29 years, They've never looked better!

Back to Bloging

Ok so I know I’m not the best at keeping up with this… oops! To be honest, I had kind of given up after the last blog. While I can’t lie and say that I am back to happy happy Laura, I may not be able to see a light at then end of the tunnel, but I at least feel like I have a flashlight!

To catch everything up, I still don’t feel that great. I have good days and bad days, I’m getting better at recognizing when I just need to go to bed, or  I just have to do accomplish what I have to accomplish and focus on me. In the last week, I didn’t’ just have a flashlight in my tunnel, I had a maglight! I have some great things going for me, I need to learn to just accept things and just trust that I am making the right decisions and that god will take care of things even if I didn’t make the right decision. I also need to learn to be more confident, I've never been really confident, I talk a big game... but I'm pretty insecure, but I'm working on it. I'm going to get there sometime. I can at least see now, that I can change and work on things.

This past week, I have thrown away lots of stuff that I just don’t need/use anymore. I feel like I have cleaned up/out part of my life! In the last two weeks I’ve kept up with the dishes, the vacuuming, and cooked dinner for myself. I fell better already.

If you didn’t know I got a dog. She has been a great help as well!!! She holds me accountable, she needs me, and what a great feeling that is! She is sooo happy to see me when I get home, she has been a huge boost to me, I love taking care of her. She is the light of my life at this moment! We do have our moments of frustration too, but overall she’s been amazing!

I started doing more things on my own, I was suppose to go to a Bo Burnham show with a friend, well, he bailed, and I still wanted to go. I called day of the show, got my single ticket, and went! I was in the 3^rd row, amazing seat it was kind of nice. At the same time it was kind of hard, 

Valentines day came! For the first year ever, I have a valentine, and while he may be far away, I’ve never felt more loved! I got some gorgeous roses, an exquisite necklace, and some other really thoughtful things! Now that its been a week I'm going to dry the roses so they will last even longer, or thats my hope. :)

 Even hanging, they are a piece of art!